Not quite in time for Valentine's Day.

Have you seen this story, of a man in Iowa, Travis Frey? He's under arrest for trying to kidnap his wife (and as The Smoking Gun points out in the article above, he's also been in trouble for child porn). But it gets even better! He wrote out a 4 page marriage contract. And this is a contract like no other I've ever seen. He's outlined for his wife exactly when, and how much, she must shave; the length her skirts should be; the definition of "sex acts" that he expects, including duration; and what's expected of her during his "my time" hours. What's the equivalent "her time," and the definition of sex acts she's comfortable with performing (let alone what she actually WANTS -- that's completely fallen out of the equation)? Glad you asked! They don't seem to exist, curiously enough.

Because there's nothing more romantic for a woman in a heterosexual relationship than receiving a contract from her husband/boyfriend/whatever to outline just how closely her "role" matches up with that of a sex slave in a brothel. I'm sure my heart was all aflutter reading the oh-so-thoughtful dictates on what his wife must buy for herself for her birthday (a sex toy, which she should consider a gift from him) and for their anniversary (lingerie).

Please, please tell me he's going to a maximum security prison. And please tell me they'll release the marriage contract to all the other inmates, prior.