Ahh, the Olympics. I couldn't care less about most sports, but I do have a soft spot for ice skating in the winter games, and gymnastics in the summer. Partly, because the commentary is ridiculous, and partly because I can't do either, at all. When I'm on the ice I hold onto the railing and tremble. And I can't even turn a cartwheel. There's something incredibly gratifying about watching sports that seem in complete defiance of my body's physics, while eating.
So last night Jill came over, and we made pizza and watched the ice skating finals, which I had taped. After dinner, we ate ice cream while critiquing jumps and disagreeing with the commentators. I'm convinced that we could have stepped in with commentary, and no one would have noticed.
You might be wondering, how could one simply step into Olympic ice skating commentators' shoes? Quite simply, I'd argue. One needs only construct a guidebook of truisms, cliches, and the occasional mystical comments, which need not make any sense. I thought you still might be in doubt, so I took the liberty of writing down some of the choicer statements by our exhalted commentators, including Scott & Sandra.
These are all, I kid you not, from the actual commentary during the women's finals:
"She just went out gangbusters... nuh-uh, I'm not giving up on this bad boy." - One of the men on Emily Hughes.
"She's such a talented jumper... it's like she just hasn't thought through her technique yet...so she often just jumps and hopes."
Sandra (I assumed): "You can't just pull a rabbit out of the hat at the Olympics."
One of the men: "More like a rhinoceros out of a hat."
Sandra on Sarah Meier: "She skates on top of the ice, not in the ice." One of the deepest moments, right?
"It's like the rest of her body just can't keep up with her feet."
Sandra, in another particularly deep moment: "The difference between Sasha and everyone else is, everyone else skates to Romeo and Juliet, she is Juliet."
I'll spare you the rampant comments on the skaters' physical appearances, which seem inappropriate at some point. I don't know if this also holds true for the men's ice skating commentary, but it seems like people feel free to comment on these girls' and women's bodies in a way that you just wouldn't ever hear when watching, oh, say, the luge. Most sports aren't dependent on having attractive legs or long arms -- it's all about how fast you get through the 100 meters, or how far you can throw something. But in ice skating, it seems inextricably linked with appearances. So here's one comment that particularly got me (and not only due to the grammatical incongruity):
"She has long arms that any ballerina would give their eye teeth for." - Commentator on Kimmie Messinger. [By the way, Mer, if you ever read this, remember that for next time you complain about your arms.]
Of course, this is like the least remarkable of the body-comments, but it was one of the few that I wrote down... Guess I'll have to watch the men's skating next time around, and see if the trend holds.
Oh, and just in time for sitting on my ass and watching the Olympics, Ben and Jerry's is coming out with new flavors. Here are three that look particularly promising:
Neapolitan Dynamite™ Original Ice Cream - "Cherry Garcia® and Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice creams, side by side." YES. Two of my favorites, in one container. So I don't even have to get my lazy ass up off the couch to try another flavor.
Turtle Soup™ Original Ice Cream - "Vanilla ice cream with fudge & caramel cashews & a caramel swirl." I'm intrigued by the caramel cashews.
Vermonty Python™ Original Ice Cream - "Coffee liqueur ice cream with a chocolate cookie crumb swirl & fudge cows." Ahh this one is going to be good -- cookie crumbs in a swirl AND fudge cows AND coffee liqueur (are they going for kahlua?). Jesus. I want that.